Days of Gratitude - The Worst of Meltdowns, New Hope and New Beginnings

Another week and a bit has gone.  Another eight days of posting things I am grateful for as part of the Sunday Assembly Newcastle gratitude group.

In many ways it's been a horrible week.  Horrible.  When you have panic attacks ten days in a row and when some of the days include full scale meltdowns - including what was certainly the worst one ever - then it can be hard to find the positives and say "Yes, I am grateful and my life contains wonder and blessing and beauty and reasons to say that each day is worth living."

Eight days of gratitude, not covering up the struggles.  And there are some good people in that group who offer some support in the hard times, share in the happiness of the good times, and give you gold stars for your writing.   Ten percent of the way through the year and I am glad to have joined up and very glad to have taken the call to gratitude seriously.

31st January

Grateful for these little capsules because without them today would not have been the same.

Panic and things by the time I came out for the Sunday Assembly. But this drug helps. Without taking one I wouldn't have been there or would not have been able to communicate. With it I was able to enjoy SA and smile and sing and was able to meet so many of the good people of this group. Shall we meet for a drink and cake at Heaton Perk?

Shame they're not my meds and that, strictly speaking, my use of this today is illegal. Hoping that someone prescribes them for me soon.

The effect has worn off. Now sitting outside church in the cold, having walked out of the service because I couldn't cope, digging deep for the spoons to get home. Grateful for understanding people in the congregation. 

1st February

Something happened this morning that I'm grateful for - but it didn't happen to me to I can't talk about it!

So a much lesser thing. Grateful to have found this book really cheaply in a charity shop and to have started it today. I have never read any of his books before. I also have a book of his short stories waiting for me.

And grateful for the surprise that someone actually had the slightly obscure book on anxiety reactions and autism I mentioned on Facebook yesterday and she is sending it to me.

2nd February

 

Worst day in a long time. Grateful that for a while I was able to lose myself and be free by sitting here and making a racket.

Grateful too for the cinnamon swirls I am about to treat myself to. Not a healthy dinner but I don't care!

 

3rd February

Grateful that I just about managed to divert my head from a repeat of yesterday and for the friend who helped.

Plus she gave me three half sentence writing prompts to play with and my head allowed me to play with two of them so far.

They will be blogged, regardless of quality. One is dreadfully sad. The other is not. What the third will be will be revealed to me only when the free writing falls from my head later.

Grateful too that sometimes, when there are big shadows in life, you can turn around and find the sunlight. (Picture from November not today)

4th February

For yesterday. Grateful to have finally started to receive some hair removal on the NHS about two years later than planned. Electrolysis to add to all the laser treatment we paid for.

Grateful that B could be there and grateful that I managed to not totally melt down with the state of my head.

Grateful even though my face looks like this today. Pretty!

5th February

Grateful that 16 3/4 hours into today I have not had a meltdown. Really very grateful for that and that I actually don't feel too bad.

Grateful for the good feeling it brought seeing this mess of colours still on a wall today - it's a collaborative "slap it on" art from September, the first day since I was at school that I held a paint brush to do anything other than paint a wall. I wasn't signed up for that but gatecrashed the room and didn't get to whatever it was I'd signed up to do.

Grateful for the progress that was made today. Now all I need is to find another director, write a proper company description, company mission, and all the aims and learn the ins and outs of the process and then fill in the forms. After that I can legally form a company. Easy!

6th February

Grateful that a meeting today turned out to be pretty good and full of hope. And at the end I got complimented and then asked if I would like to do something I would never have considered a possibility.  Whether it happens or not is another matter - but it's nice to be asked at all.

Also grateful to have changed upon this when clearing loads of stuff out today. I've wondered for ages where it went. It's an original signed crucifixion picture by Eric Gill from around the time he created the Stations of the Cross for Westminster Cathedral. Not a good photo of it though.

7th February

Grateful that this weekend we have cleared out some of the excess material possessions from the house. There comes a point at which owning things is more of a burden than a blessing, when there is as much clutter as the things that are useful, meaningful or joy bringers. Here's a little of our clutter clear.


 

For me that point was crossed long ago. It's good to take steps towards the point so it might eventually be crossed back the other way.

And yes, there's more than that.

And I need to clear more sometime.